I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
