i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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