you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
