Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Randomize
