Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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