My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
