It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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