Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
