The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize