Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
