Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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