did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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