he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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