I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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