my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
