just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
