hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
