alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
