when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
