New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
