remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
