i think my tv is drunk
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
