I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
