so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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