I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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