yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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