Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
