dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
