those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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