I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
