No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
