I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Never joke about your clitoris.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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