These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
