why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
