Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
