I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
