the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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