You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
