I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
