Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
