I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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