I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
