You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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