Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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