see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
