Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
