he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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