I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
