You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
