if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
