all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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