Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
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