We're like a lot better than the average bears
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
