He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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