I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
