finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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