I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
