I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
