Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
