Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
