Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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