i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
