Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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