Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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