I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
