What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
if only i could text you this smell
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
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