Hey man sorry I got all grabby
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
