Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
