Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
