The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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