I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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